It is important to say that I am not particularly a religion man. I haven’t been for quite some time. Faith in my life began to wane when I was not quite 20 years old. That was when my mother left the bounds of Earth. Leaving her barely college aged son to fend for himself.
Never having those arguments about my future or fights about where I wanted to spend the holidays.
Thinking that my life didn’t mean much, it was compounded by the fact that my father followed her soon after when I was 23.
My older brother was sort of my father figure after that.
My sister was never particularly close to me. Still isn’t to this day.
However, both of them are quite a bit older than I am, so they managed to have my parents around into adulthood. I was not so lucky. There were so many times in the last twenty-two to twenty-five years that I could have used their advice.
Unfortunately, the chance never presented itself to me.
In recent months, I attempted to restore my faith and then shit went downhill. Small prayers for my brother were being answered, but not simple ones for myself.
I felt that I didn’t matter anymore.
If I ever did at all.
Yes, my brother’s prayers were benefiting me some, but I never had the easiest of prayers answered for myself. It almost seemed that anything I asked for was given to me by proxy. Like, you aren’t good enough for what you asked for, but here is something to tie you over via your brother.
However, my “prayers” weren’t even about me.
That is the biggest stinker.
If you read my blog back on Christmas Eve, you know I was/am going through financial issues. However, my “prayers” weren’t even about helping me. It was about helping my pets so they don’t starve. That I could get them some food so they can have full bellies. That was my main concern. Yet, that wasn’t answered. Then a dear friend came through at the very last possible minute and provided both the dogs and cats some food. Also, a couple of bucks for myself.
A side note to this story is…
Still half the money I received, went for the animals. Making sure that they had enough food for as long as humanly possible. It would seem that in some way my “prayer” were answered but it still gives me pause. But, that is another blog for another time.
The day before New Year’s Eve, I was using the last money I got to do my laundry. 12 a.m. at a laundromat is always fun. Alone with my thoughts, usually watching Spanish television. Unlike those other nights, they had both televisions on. One was on some horribly bad Kung-Fu movie dubbed in Spanish, while the other was on the late-night local news. After midnight, it changed over to a paid sponsor program.
Figuring it was going to turn into some infomercial about the latest cleaning product, it was a religious program. From a televangelist that I was never too fond of. It wasn’t about his message but something about his look that was oft-putting. Nevertheless, I was about to don my earbuds to listen to my recently downloaded podcast.
Another side note…
The Wi-Fi at the laundromat is super-fast compared to the free Wi-Fi at the local library. I downloaded so many apps and shows in record time. As I still don’t have Wi-Fi at home, I had to use this freebie. I know beggars can’t be choosers, but you can when it comes to Wi-Fi.
The televangelist. He began talking about “It is finished”. A simple phrase or belief that frees you from the bounds of your past and present. Breaking the bonds of depression, insecurities, past experiences, and the like.
For some reason that stopped me from placing the earbuds in. There was something about that message that made me dwell on his words. Somehow believing that all my past (actions, excuses, and experiences) are keeping me here. Dwelling in the negative present. All the unhappiness that led me to this place is keeping me here.
It reminded me of that pilot episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. When the Founders kept using Sisko’s memories to explain their mission. Every moment led him to the moment of his wife’s death. Sisko kept asking why they always bring him there. Their reply was simple. “You exist here.” Illustrating that memory is where he lives. He can’t see the future past that moment. Yes, he is moving forward in life but he hasn’t moved on.
That’s where I’m.
Since that moment, I have been trying to take steps to shake off the past. The negativity. The pain. The feeling of being cheated.
After the segment, as usual, I was waiting for the obligatory asking for donations or joining their ministry. But it never happened. It was something that I knew would shake me from this enlightening moment I received.
That was it. The end of the program. Almost, in some way, tailored for my benefit and omitting the things that would give me pause.
As I stepped forward into 2019 – remembering the message and an inspiring message from a person – it’s time to stop existing here. Yes, I still need certain things to continue the podcast – like internet. My view is going to be more positive but strong when I need to be. Looking for the best possible outcome. Taking chances that I haven’t taken in a while.
You don’t have to be religious to take something away from that message. Sometimes you find inspiration in the most randomness of ways. In many instances, it is a way of getting that message when you are most likely to receive it. For me, I need to think about things. Many things are coming between the podcasts and getting content out there. There was a brief moment when I was going to abandon all of them. Giving into my depression. That pity party.
I’m looking forward.
So we may not be back in January. Or, some shows may be up in January. But if they are late, no one will care. They will be there when we return. Stop living with the impending doom. What can I do until that moment arrives? 2018 had me in its grasp. Now, it is time to see what I can get out of 2019.
It is finished.