This is a difficult time of year for me. Some people will say, “it’s been a long time. Get over it.” Others will sympathize with my experience. April through June is always difficult for me. It has been especially harder lately given my current economic and employment predicament. Many of my friends are no longer around, or just live to far away. But, I don’t wish to get ahead of myself.
Recently, the anniversary of my mother dead passed. She died back in 1993, a month before my 20th birthday. When I turned 40, I realized that I have had more years without her than with her. The same thing happened a few years ago, when I came to that realization regarding my father.
He died a month after my 23rd birthday.
Many of you are probably thinking, “it’s been 30 years, bro. Move on.” I tried. But someone must hate me and my birthday. A couple of years ago, my brother passed away nearly two weeks after my birthday. Two days before his own birthday. Our birthdays were two weeks apart.
Just recently, I lost my beloved dog, River, about three months ago. The anniversary of when we got her was two days after my birthday. This will be the first time I won’t have her with me. I would try and get her some shredded chicken for her special day. When I go to the store now, I still look for some.
Some people can’t understand why I don’t really feel like celebrating my birthday. A lot of bad shit happened during that time, so I don’t really feel like it. When my 50th birthday came around, I stayed at home. Bought myself a small cake and sat on the couch with my pets. That was it.
If I’m being honest, I haven’t celebrated my birthday – much like Christmas – in years. When I stopped working to care for my brother, we lived on a limited income. We didn’t celebrate birthdays or Christmas. There was just no money to do so. When I had income after, I would pick up some things for my pets but that was it.
Depression has been on and off this year. When I have good days, they are good days. However, the bad days can get very bad. Very dark. There have been more bad days than good days lately. Which I fight, but sometimes it’s too strong.
Recently, the depression seems to manifest itself in different ways. Finding different things to be depressed about. Wondering when, or if, I’ll ever get a break. Just one good break. With some of my things crapping out on me, it makes me feel more helpless. I have been trying to use this blog, and podcasts, to get me to focus on things other than what is eluding me. Like anything, I have good and bad days.
Why am I writing this? Simply because I want people to know what I’m going through. Someone may be going through the same thing, or has gone through it. Several times my depression undermines what I am trying to do. Someone once said that if it feels like something is preventing you from doing what you love, maybe they are telling you something.
Then again, someone else said, “if you feel something is trying to prevent you from doing what you love, maybe you have something to say. Win.”
I guess that is what I’m trying to do. It I could get just one win. Just one.
That’s all the help I need.